Understanding Enneagram Ones in Relationships

If you know any Enneagram Ones, you know that they are loyal, hard-working, stick to the rules, and get their stuff done with excellence. They can also become  rigid, defensive, and critical if they think you’re not doing things the right way  (ahem, *their*  way).

So what is it that drives Enneagram Ones in their relationships?

Above all else, Ones are motivated by the desire to be GOOD.  A One wants to  be a good friend, a good spouse, a good mom, a good employee, and the list goes on.  But wait…what counts as “good”? 

For Ones, they set their own standard for what being ‘good’ means. When a One doesn’t meet  the  internal  standard he set  for  himself, he may feel  like  he’s letting  others down - even though no  one else may even notice. 

We have to go back to childhood for how these standards are formed. There’s a mix of parental influence, cultural influence, religious influence, influence by friends and other early-in-life experiences, that all mesh together - and then the Type One (as a child) does the best she can to make sense of all these varying inputs to create what she thinks is the standard for ‘Good.’

Of course, this is different for every One. No two Ones are the same. And this is overly simplified - there are so many factors that swirl together to create this Recipe of Goodness for a Type One. I couldn’t in good faith narrow it down to just one or two factors  - but these  are examples of what could contribute to this.

For a young Type One raised in a church environment, they might define ‘good’ as ‘not sinning.’ For a One who grew  up with angry parents, maybe ‘good’ means ‘not making Mom and Dad angry.’  For someone raised in a high-achieving environment, they might define ‘good’ as ‘high-achieving and not making mistakes.’  

Enneagram Ones want to be good, to follow the expectations they perceive around them, and to always be improving. They believe things can always be better - and if there’s room for improvement, why would I stay still and not take action?

In relationships, this can come out as self-criticism - Ones may feel disappointed in themselves for not being a good enough friend -  and it can come out as criticism towards others - Ones may feel upset when others aren’t trying as hard as they are to be Good.

Remember that the Enneagram shows us one of nine lenses. We tend to assume that other people see the world how we do. So, Ones assume this: everybody else  wants to follow the rules, be good, do things the right way, and follow a strong moral compass… right??!!! And so when a One sees somebody  NOT doing things the right way, or not  having the same set of morals, they may get frustrated, or they may feel that it’s their duty to fix it. This  is why some Enneagram Ones insert  themselves in  relationship to ‘fix’ the other person, even when the other person hasn’t asked for that.

This strong sense of duty and morality makes Ones extremely loyal to their people and willing to do almost anything to help their people. They take their commitments seriously and are willing to help make someone else’s life better in whatever way they can. 

I’ve seen this in my Type One mom. My mom’s top love language towards others is acts of service. She is a woman of action, and she shows her love by doing things to make our lives better. She’s spent hours on the phone and researching to figure out  things like FAFSA, insurance, medical bills, and college applications for her 6 kids. She’ll instantly fly across the country to be there for a personal crisis. She is the ultimate problem solver and will always come up with ideas to help solve anything - and then turn around and take action. This is the beauty of having a Type One on your side - they show up for you with strength, practicality, and wisdom. 

So how can you love the Enneagram Ones in your life? 💚

Remember that when Ones give you suggestions for improvement, that’s their way of showing they care.

Help your One remember that  it’s ok to rest and play. Everything can’t be fixed today - remind them they’ve done enough.

Be gentle with criticism. Ones are very hard on themselves and easily self-criticize  when they make mistakes. It can be overwhelming to hear the criticism from themselves and also from others.

Today, let a One know you appreciate how much they care about making the world a better place.