Understanding Enneagram Twos in Relationships
Enneagram Twos are some of the most loving, caring, and emotionally attuned friends. We love their willingness to help and the attention they give to looking out for others. When the helpfulness is unsolicited, it can sometimes cross over boundaries and overwhelm others.
What’s the driving force behind Enneagram Twos in their relationships?
The core desire of an Enneagram Two is to be loved and valuable - and somewhere along the way, they started believing that they have to earn that love from others.
As children, we receive so many messages, and our child brains don’t do a great job at making sense of those messages. For little Enneagram Twos, they interpreted messages from the people around them to mean that they have to be taking care of others and meeting people’s needs in order to be valuable and loved. That set them on a course of making sure they’re always attuned to other peoples’ needs above their own.
Type Twos are naturally others-focused – they prioritize others’ needs, others’ wants, and others’ feelings above their own. Deep down, they believe this is the way to earn the unconditional love they desperately crave.
There are many ways this comes out in relationships. Some Twos are very service-oriented, and when they notice a need, they immediately jump to fill it. Some Twos are very emotionally-attuned to others – they can sense others’ emotions and can even tell that something is wrong before the other person even realizes it. Some Twos find fulfillment in positions of behind-the-scenes power – they might be the assistant to the boss, second-in-command, close to the action and a valuable piece of making an operation function well.
When a Two is unaware of these deeply-seated desires and is living on autopilot, he will do whatever he can to earn love by meeting others needs. This leads to a sense of pride: “I know what people need. I am the best at taking care of others. I am the most helpful person around.” It can also lead to subtle manipulation - an unhealthy Two will find ways to help others in order to get what they want.
It is a healing gift for Twos to find relationships where they are loved unconditionally. If you love a Two, remind them that you love them for who they are, not because of what they do for you. When Twos learn they can relax on taking care of others and still be loved, it’s life-changing.
Twos’ blind spots in relationships are to their own needs. Many Twos struggle to properly take care of themselves because they honestly don’t know what they need. They may struggle to set boundaries and say no to some requests, leading to a lack of rest and a perceived need to keep on working and serving and volunteering and helping and never stopping. When a Two learns to start recognizing what they need to be healthy, they can start meeting their own needs as well as others.’
Twos see the world in terms of their relationships. When they make decisions, they first consider how it will affect all the other people involved. In organizations, Twos help make sure all the relationships at stake are considered in big decisions. Twos prioritize thinking of others and are gifted at understanding how each action awill affect other people.
So how can you love the Enneagram Two in your life? 💚
Remind them that it’s ok to rest, and you still love them even when they don’t take care of every single one of your needs.
Ask them how they are feeling and what they need.
Regularly remind your Two that your relationship is in good standing.
Help your Two use their thinking to make decisions and not just rely on feelings.
Today, let a Two know that you love them and you appreciate everything they do for you.
