Understanding Enneagram Threes in Relationships
Enneagram Threes at their best are cheerleaders and collaborators, encouraging others to be the best they can be. They are hardworking, adaptable, and driven, and they feel immense value when they can apply those gifts to a group, whether a company, church, or family.
To understand Threes in relationship, we need to understand that they sit in the Heart Center of the Enneagram, along with Twos and Fours. It can be difficult to place them in the Heart Center just based on what you see on the outside - Threes are fast thinkers and achieve a lot, so they are easily mistaken for being in the Head Center. Threes have big hearts, sensitive emotions, and a well-developed radar for reading other peoples’ feelings.
The core desire of Enneagram Type Three is to be valuable and worthy. Early in life, little Threes interpreted the world around them to make this message: You are valuable and worthy only as much as you are achieving and accomplishing. This is the force that drives Threes - not that they want to produce and achieve and excel just for the sake of excelling, but because underneath it all, they believe that is the way to earn love and value.
We see this play out in the Enneagram Three who experiences stress and then gradually gets sucked into workaholism: the Three believes the way they can mitigate the stress of relationships is by working harder so they can achieve more so they can be more valuable in the eyes of other people. Of course it’s easy to see how that trajectory can actually accomplish the opposite: the Three has less time to spend with the people they love, and the distance grows.
Type Twos are naturally others-focused – they prioritize others’ needs, others’ wants, and others’ feelings above their own. Deep down, they believe this is the way to earn the unconditional love they desperately crave.
There are many ways this comes out in relationships. Some Twos are very service-oriented, and when they notice a need, they immediately jump to fill it. Some Twos are very emotionally-attuned to others – they can sense others’ emotions and can even tell that something is wrong before the other person even realizes it. Some Twos find fulfillment in positions of behind-the-scenes power – they might be the assistant to the boss, second-in-command, close to the action and a valuable piece of making an operation function well.
It’s important to know that Threes are incredibly loving, and they take their roles very seriously. For example, a Three as a parent truly wants to be the BEST parent, so they observe the parents around them, figure out what they think are the best methods, and then become the very image of the best parent. In a dating relationship, the Three wants to be seen as the best boyfriend or girlfriend. At work, the Three wants his employees to see him as the best boss. This feels like success in relationships to a Three.
Threes bring their deep attunement to others to relationships. They can easily deduce what the other person, or people, want and need. Since Threes are so incredibly adaptable, they can morph into what they think is needed in the relationship. Similar to how a Type Nine struggles to know what they want and instead easily merges with the other person, a Type Three struggles to know what they truly want because they spend so much energy turning themselves into the person they think the other wants.
It can be hard for Threes to untangle what their true desires in life are. Because a Three spends so much effort ‘reading the room’ to understand what others want - and then helping make that happen - they often lose touch with their own wants and needs. For partners and friends of Threes, help encourage your Three to think about their own needs. Rest is hard for a constant achiever who feels like if they stop moving they might just lose all their value.
The most amazing thing about Threes, in my opinion, is that they don’t give up on their goals and dreams. They have positive attitudes and when they set their mind on a goal, they truly believe they will achieve that thing. I am married to a Type Three, and the confidence he has in his own abilities to complete projects and achieve big goals is a confidence that inspires me. (Hey, maybe we actually CAN renovate our house in the next six months before our wedding?!)
I worked for two amazing Type Three bosses who were great leaders because they always cheered on their team. They understood that success is better when we experience it together. Threes take their gift of dreaming big and setting big goals and they help others do the same.
So how can you love the Enneagram Three in your life? 💚
Remind them that resting is good and it’s okay to take a break.
Tell them the things you love about them that are related to WHO they are as a person, not the things they do.
Notice and praise their hard work, especially the hard work they do for the people they love.
Take time to dream with them. Ask them about what projects they’d like to start next!
