Understanding Enneagram Fours in Relationships
Enneagram Fours take us to the depths of connection and emotion. Intense and passionate, they are aware of the level of connection in their relationships. Feeling and sensing the strong connections in their relationships is crucial to Fours.
Type Fours value authenticity. What’s the point if we’re not being real? This is the gift they offer relationships - and what they hope for from others. This means bringing their authentic emotions and experiences to the table, without a lot of the filtering that other types may do.
The core desire of Type Four is to be unique and special, to have a deeply meaningful existence, and to avoid being ‘normal.’ They fear being misunderstood and insignificant.
You can see how this desire directly correlates with their desire for deep, meaningful relationships. They want to be seen as special and they present their full selves in order to show you how special they are.
With this ‘specialness’ comes a sense of “I don’t quite fit in with everyone else.” So they want to be unique, but at the same time, they feel a sense of longing that they don’t fit in with everyone else. It’s a devastating dichotomy that makes relationships difficult for Fours - they may often feel lonely, misunderstood, or isolated.
Feeling misunderstood is a huge trigger for Fours that can leave them spiraling into themselves - they sink into their own internal world, sitting in their pain and sorrow and disconnecting from people. “They don’t understand me… but I must make them try to understand me!”
And so the Four cycles through disconnecting from others into assertively forcing themselves and their feelings onto others to make them understand. This can look like an overexaggerated verbal processing (I’m going to explain myself until you get me) or a taking on the victim role (No one understands me and they don’t want to and I’m just way too much for everyone).
A relationship struggle comes for Fours when they bring their full, raw selves to other people, but are told they are ‘too much.’ Too much feeling, too much verbal processing, too much of an intensity when you’re telling stories. It’s hard for some of us to engage with Fours because we’re not used to sitting in realness and even negativity.
Fours don’t shy away from the difficult emotions in life. Grief, sorrow, anger - they are here for you through them all. And here is one of the greatest gifts Fours give us: they are there for us in the hard and the bad. While many people feel deeply uncomfortable with pain and grief, and others immediately try to spin the pain and reframe the grief and tell you “Everything happens for a reason,” Fours are the ones who are most naturally able to just sit with us, not denying reality, but fully open to our experience, giving us the gift of their presence.
Fours are imaginative and expressive. They teach their people how to uncover their hidden and repressed emotions, and then to express emotions more fully. They notice beauty in the big and the small things - often noticing beauty where the rest of us wouldn’t. They teach us to appreciate art and music and how to go deeper into our own souls.
Out of that rich inner world of the Enneagram Fours in this world have come the most profound songs, paintings, graphic designs, photography, and so much more. They truly make our world more beautiful.
So how can you love the Enneagram Four in your life? 💚
Allow them space to process their emotions with you. Be generous with giving them more time and space than you might think is necessary.
Ask a Four about themselves, about how they feel, what they think. They want to be understood, and it means a lot when you try to understand them.
The worst things to say to a Four are “You’re being too sensitive” or “Cheer up.” It feels like you’re asking them to be phony.
Affirm the beautiful and unique gifts you see in them.
