Understanding Enneagram Fives in Relationships
Enneagram Fives help us think, plan, research, explore, and find security. They are honest and straightforward in their relationships, and tend to reserve their relational energy for the few most trusted people in their lives.
Relationships are risky to Type Fives - they require vulnerability and letting other people into a carefully ordered life. Many Fives say that dealing with too many people simply sucks too much energy out of them. When a Five does choose to open up and share personal details with you, you can be absolutely sure they really trust you.
Enneagram Fives’ core fears are being incompetent, not knowing enough, and having their energy depleted. They begin each day with a measured amount of energy for the outside world and for other people. Acutely aware of how much energy is left, they carefully ration it so that only the most important people get it. For example, a Type Five may spend eight hours at work having no personal conversations so they can come home and be emotionally available to their spouse. If they spent some of that relational energy at work (on people who matter way less to them), they might not have anything left for their people at home.
Some more words that come to mind about Fives and relationships are privacy, independence, and boundaries. Fives are guarded and don’t let people in easily. This keeps them safe, and of course preserves their energy levels.
This doesn’t mean that Fives don’t spend any time with other people. It means that a Five who spends a day engaged with others might need to spend the next three days alone to recharge.
People who know Enneagram Fives say a good way to get a Five excited is to ask them questions about a topic of interest for them. The Five can talk for hours about what they know. Learning is a passion for most Fives, although they differ in their areas of interest and expertise. A great way to show you care about a Five is to be curious about what they’ve learned.
Because of their keen ability to retain knowledge and their thirst for learning, Fives can offer these as gifts to others. If a Five’s spouse is diagnosed with a rare sickness, the Five might respond by researching that sickness, going down rabbit holes to learn all about it, and then return to the world armed with knowledge that makes him feel more prepared and secure. He’ll use this knowledge in the doctor’s office to know which follow-up questions to ask, or he’ll learn about alternative treatments that might help his sick spouse.
You can see how this passion for learning and knowledge makes sense, as Type Five is a Head Type along with Types 6 and 7. Thinking is always first for Fives, before feeling and doing. Their challenge in relationships is to connect with others on a heart level. This isn’t natural for Fives so it does take intention. When a Five does try to connect with you personally, know that it means they trust you, and they’re giving you something rare.
Fives are aware of how much life will cost them. How much will this relationship cost me? How much will speaking up in a group cost me? How much will sharing a personal story with a coworker cost me? They live life through that cost-benefit lens. When they experience growth, Fives begin to understand that spending effort on relationships actually makes them more safe and secure, not less.
So how can you love the Enneagram Five in your life? 💚
Ask them about the topics they love, and listen as they share their knowledge.
Be direct and straightforward in your communication.
Be careful to not demand too much from them socially, and respect their need to recharge alone.
Fives like structure and order. Be clear when communicating expectations.
