Understanding Enneagram Sixes in Relationships
Enneagram Sixes are loyal friends driven by a need for security and a commitment to the common good. We can count on our Sixes to look out for our safety and stick with us in the hard times. Their need for certainty can cause them to question relationships and seek affirmation from the ones they love.
Type 6 is sometimes nicknamed The Loyalist. Sixes have a core desire for stability, safety, and certainty, while they fear being abandoned and left without guidance. Sixes take this desire for stability in relationships and reflect it back onto others - they are committed to being loyal, stable, and trustworthy. They provide stability to their people.
Deep down, Enneagram Sixes believe that the world is scary and unpredictable. As they seek people and groups that provide safety, they also try to provide safety for others. This can look like a 6 looking ahead to predict danger; excessive amounts of planning; or voicing their concerns to try to help everyone be prepared for anything.
Being in the Head Triad means 6s spend much of their time thinking. I know a Six who says one way she loves her friends and family is by helping them solve problems. For example, her friend had a specific type of body pain. This Six woke up in the middle of the night thinking about her friend and proceeded to spend hours researching to find solutions for her friend’s pain. Sixes are committed to problem solving.
On the flip side, sometimes to others, it looks like Sixes are actually creating problems where there aren’t any. “Why are you being so negative? Why can’t you support my idea instead of picking it apart?” Sixes are masters of bringing up all the things that could go wrong. Think “worst case scenario.” This is easily misunderstood as negativity for the sake of negativity - but it’s actually a Six’s way of looking out for their team. They believe that if they can think of all the possible outcomes, then people can be well prepared for whatever may happen. It’s about keeping people safe and secure.
Enneagram Sixes struggle with self-doubt; it’s hard for them to trust themselves. Many Sixes gravitate towards strong people in relationships, because that feels like a way to stay safe. For example, I know a Type Six who is best friends with a Type 8 - and she feels protected by her 8 friend. Sixes also appreciate getting feedback from their people to help them escape from spirals of over-thinking.
The core fear of abandonment shapes a Six’s relationships. Their intense fear of being abandoned channels into a fierce loyalty towards others. A six thinks: “If I am completely loyal, they will be completely loyal back to me.” In a way, they’re trying to earn stability in relationships by being stable and loyal.
Sixes are often described as the glue that holds a community together. They’re people who seek a group to keep them safe - could be a family, a church, a political party, a workplace - and do whatever they can to help keep that group together. Many 6s relate to the term “alliance” - the world feels safer when you have an alliance surrounding and protecting you.
At their best, 6s are deeply caring, non-judgmental, and loyal friends who fight for the harmony of the group and trust themselves to make wise decisions.
So how can you love the Enneagram Six in your life? 💚
Be intentional with affirming that your relationship is solid.
Ask the Six about their concerns and take time to listen.
Thank a Six when they take action to keep you safe.
Instead of assuming a Six is being negative, appreciate their desire to look ahead and prepare for any possible dangers - it’s all because they want to take care of their people.
